Shine Your Light

I’ve been thinking about death a lot.

Does that come as a shock to you?! Maybe…maybe not. I expect that ultimately depends on your general disposition and outlook on life sprinkled with a dusting of how you perceive me and my character. Shock value isn’t my goal though. The truth is I’m not a morbid person and I don’t ever intend to present myself in a way that might give that impression, but mortality has been an ever present lens I have viewed nearly everything through as of late. A laundry list of reasons why this is my reality seems fairly obvious at first glance: recent pandemic, worldly violence, local violence, mental health epidemic, climate change, drug crisis, mid-life crisis, aliens……..you get the idea. We have collectively experienced some degree of all of that hysteria recently so it’s more than just that, which is a bit alarming to type out considering how bonkers that all is.

What really has a firm grasp on me is a recent Rich Roll podcast episode I listened to featuring endurance athlete Tommy Rivs. If you don’t know who Tommy is I would highly recommend taking a moment to just quickly Google his name and learn a little about his recent battle with an incredibly rare form of lung cancer that nearly killed him. It should have killed him. That cancer would have easily killed nearly anyone else. Tommy is a warrior of unmatched strength and endurance in this world and he barely survived. His seven month long hospital stay included induced coma, countless surgeries, infections, complications, extreme weight loss and everything else you might possibly imagine. Listening to his calm, soft but gruff voice as he explained all of this grueling experience to Rich is enough to firmly grip anyone but the part of the conversation that impacted me the most was his recount of what he experienced while he was in a coma for months. The way he described what he remembers during the experience in the “in between” might be the single most candid and emotional explanation of a near death episode I have personally heard in my entire lifetime. It brought me to tears when I wasn’t expecting it. The pickup line at my daughters’ school. Humor aside, what Tommy shares with Rich has answered many questions that I have had my whole life about where we go after this and what that transitional experience might be like when it’s my time to go.

What I imagine you might be asking yourself right now is “well, why would you believe what he has to say, who the hell is he anyway?!” I certainly wouldn’t blame you if you were, but rather than answer that in this blog or even type out everything he described I would instead encourage you to simply go listen to the episode and make up your own mind. His raw honesty and conviction stand on their own legs.

So why the photo? Why the blog title? Why the post to begin with?

The answer. I’m deeply inspired. That’s the short version anyway.

Over the past several years I have endured many difficult experiences myself. Nothing near what Tommy went through, or even what many people around the world are experiencing right this very moment, but it was incredibly challenging for me nonetheless. Somewhere in all of the chaos and pain I lost site of who I was, or rather who I still am. Let’s get it straight right away, I’m by no means a victim and I’m not here to play that card. Much of the difficulty I have experienced was due to my own poor choices and lack of self discipline. There is still work to be done. I was truly lost and an empty shell of myself. I was the opposite of inspiration.

Last year I hit rock bottom. My mental health had declined into depression and my self worth was non-existent. The full details of all of that are for another day and another blog post. I’m not fully ready to be candid yet. What I am ready to talk about is how I found myself again. Sobriety. The path that lead me back to the person I knew myself to once be, someone I was truly proud of, was sobriety. A spark was re-lit. A pilot light of sorts I found buried deep within myself. That little spark was my ability to create something from seemingly nothing. My identity was now right there…glowing in my hands…in the form of art.

I am an artist.

Since then I haven’t been able to get enough. Photography, music, illustration, painting. All of the above and then some. If you’ve known me for any great length of time this might not seem like something new. My entire life up until recent years had been dedicated to the pursuit of artistic expression mainly in the form of music. I just hit a huge wall. For too many reasons to list I lost that path and in the absence of that I attempted to become many things I simply am not. I am not a corporate restaurant manager, I am not a mechanical engineer, I am not a construction worker and I will never be an astronaut as much as my inner child wants to explore the depths of outer space. I am a creative. I am an artist. Which ultimately is why we are here now.

“Well why are you thinking about death so much then? It seems like you have found your purpose in life again!”

You’re right and that’s a valid question. One of the most important things that has helped me regain my own balance in life is stoic philosophy. I genuinely wish I had learned more about stoicism at a younger age, but alas its never too late to find inspiration and meaning in philosophy. The stoic phrase “Memento Mori” or “remember you must die” has stuck with me since the moment I read it. Knowing and embracing our own mortality and a comfort with what comes after life allows us to truly live while we are here. I used to take so much for granted. Now I take nothing for granted. Each day, each moment is a gift and I don’t waste any time anymore. To bring this post back full circle, listening to Tommy Rivs and his poignant account of death inspired me to create the photos you see above and below.

The photos of my good friend Justin are a symbolic representation of me at my lowest point, surrounded by death, alone in a dark and depressing place, rediscovering the spark that I have to share with the world. My love for life and my own self worth have grown exponentially in rediscovering my own identity and purpose here. I am better and stronger for it. Most importantly I am a better father because of it and nothing matters more to me than that. To know who I truly am allows me to be the best dad I can be.

If you made it this far thank you for sticking with me as I tie a bow around these thoughts. I am incredibly appreciative of anyone who would spend their time listening to anything I have to say, artistically or literally. What I hope you take away from this blog entry and the photos I created are the inspiration to share your own unique spark with the world. Ask yourself who you truly are. What story do you have to tell? What have you endured? How do you share love and shine your light in an often dark, lonely and confusing world? No matter what it is, please don’t be afraid to share it with us. Death awaits us all, none of us get out alive. As for me, I’m going to keep creating and sharing the stories of the people and places I encounter in hope of leaving this place a little better than I found it and you can follow along.

Much Love!